And how long I've ignored it; how long have I kept telling it to "GO AWAY"! I suppressed it, covered its mouth, blinded its eyes, and flooded its heart. Funny how people want to feel something in life, but they aren't exactly sure of what it is. And they use temporary pleasures like drugs, sex and alcohol. I've always known what it was, always felt it, but I never believed that I could make it take flight. Goodness! How much time I lost searching; but in essence I haven't lost any at all, because wherever you go, there you surely are!
I had a breakthrough tonight! Tonight in acting class; during our one break, I was feeling a bit low, and I wrote to myself: "It's hard for me…I see it when I close my eyes, but it seems out of reach….everybody seems so dazzling, so confident. Lord I want that too! Freedom to be everything I see when I close my eyes!" I wrote that to myself and I went back in for my next scene. I don't know if writing that stirred something inside of me, but I know that it's something I wanted to infiltrate into my system for quite some time. One of my acting mates said that my character 'scared her'. Anybody who knows me always says that I'm the sweetest person they know; but how great it felt to hear my classmate say I was the complete opposite. We all have these other sides of ourselves. I realized I didn't have to be Miss Little Bo-Peep! I hated the damn bonnet and apron so much anyway! I didn't have to listen to everything people were telling me to do, and how to do it. I could just be me, who I was supposed to be. More like, Wendy from Peter Pan, a good girl, who just wanted a mischievous boy to rap on my window and sprinkle fairy dust on me; introducing me to a whole new world!
Oh, how I'd been domesticated all these years; getting flogged in primary school if I uttered a word, punished for stupid things I didn't do. I was tired of people telling me I am too optimistic, and in the 'real' world, dreams don't come true. I was tired of people saying, this is how the world is, and having wants and desires is crazy because my life isn't going to be like I want it to be, and that it's okay; I just needed to accept it and move on. That I should just basically settle for less; and live a tragedy. Well guess what! I want more!!! And as Sade sang it, Is it a Crime!?
I'm not looking for no fluffy, white sheep! So all those heartless boys that tried to infringe upon my to-do list; hope you get the memo, but you're not on it! I don't want TO-DO you! So keep moving! All your bull-shit stories and off-key lyrics might as well be used as useless drift wood to light a fire! A fire of rubbish, because that's all you proved yourself to be! If you were real men, you would be man enough to speak the truth and communicate like able-adults and not pathetic asses! And the same goes to those round bellied, balding business men that want to wine and dine me and say they'll hook me up with an agent. We both know; the only thing they want to 'un-hook' is my bra, to satisfy their case of jungle fever! Don't promise me the moon and stars baby, because I see right through your little act! If you don't come good, then don't come at all; because I am no longer frittering away my precious time!
Because of all these cruel lies I've been fed my whole life, I didn't believe in me! Yeah, me! What do I want, how do I feel, and what story do I want to tell? I'm too quiet, I'm not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not white enough and that I'm an adopted child! Screw all of you! I don't have to blabber incessant nonsense if I don't want to, I am pretty, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my mind-boggling joy that people don't understand why I smile so much, just so happens to be irresistibly sexy, and white people we all love so much, want to go tanning to have my brown, ageless complexion. And well, if I'm adopted; hah! Then all multi-racial children must be adopted too!
I have feelings just like everybody else! And I'm not saying I'm 'the shit', but I am somebody. We all are! Connected and seamless in a way; like many rivers flowing into one ocean, but each with our own reality, our own path. We all are capable of being our best person. The universe has abundance for all of us to enjoy. We are here for a reason, a purpose and we need to tap into that and achieve it. We all have different roles to play, different lessons to learn and specific desires/wants to help us on our way. Listen to that little voice screaming out! Muffle it no longer. Fulfill your needs. And boy, do I hope I'm not inspiring anyone to commit murders, rob banks or act like a complete vagabonds, but get closer to accomplishing your mission here on earth. Don't think you're not good enough. Believe in yourself, because nobody else will. The majority of us are so caught up in ourselves anyway, so if you don't, then who will? Be confident, because you're a glorious, beautiful gift, with so much to share, so much to give.
My current room-mate and hopefully my last room-mate till I take the plunge of marriage; has given me so many great gifts. Not those that cost money, but knowledge from his simplistic and humble soul. Nobody's perfect, not even me, and he never ceases to inspire me. I could never stay mad at him. He is a walking example that dreams come true. He was taunted his entire life, made fun of, and continuously disappointed by those closest to him (friends and family), because he had a dream they didn't believe in. They crushed and stomped on his dream, and he was surrounded by a pack of brutal hyenas, but he never gave up. He envisioned himself enjoying it, he volunteered his time and didn't complain even though he came so close at times but still didn't succeed. And you know what? He made it! He IS a flight attendant now for almost 5 years now. He's won awards, and he's been half-way around the world. He's found love in another country, and he's got more stamps in his passport than any of those people that laughed at him could ever dream of seeing in their lifetime. I'm happy for him. If he can do it…I know I can too!
Let your light shine! Lead the way, and arouse people to follow!