Having to drink a shot of vodka just to get some 'shut-eye' is far from funny. Not having an appetite and then whenever you manage to eat you feel nauseous is a bit worse. But feeling teed off when every other person that walks by is pregnant or part of a happy family of three holding hands; that's when you know you've got problems. Why couldn't I be that happy couple? Why couldn't that unborn child be in my stomach? Why couldn't the one I love, love me the same way he longed and yearned for her?
It's not fair!
It really isn't…true it's good to have forgiveness and compassion and to walk the right path. But can one forgive someone who betrayed their trust? How can one still love someone even though it was quite obvious that they didn't love you the same? I suppose only that person would have answers to those sort of questions.
Sometimes it seems that you're living in a nightmare; but just your nightmare; your torment; your hurt. Because for everyone else, life is just 'peachy'! You begin to wonder if perhaps you're cursed, if you've racked up a full life-time (this one) of bad karma, if you'd be doomed to become a lonely cat lady even though you didn't fancy cats. Couldn't you get a little break? Oh, wait, you did have a break…the 7 months of being giggly silly in love, being there for that person no matter what was going on in your life, every morning a lovely memory of what you'd talked about or did the day before. That was your break. 7 months of pure bliss. Now it was back to harsh reality; back to your punishment; back to being single and having to hear all your friends say, "Don't worry, you'll meet someone new!" or "He's just a jerk, forget him, move on with your life!" Hah! Little do they know of the utter joy you had in this short space of time. Little do they know that he was the best thing that happened to you? Because sure it's nice to spend time with your girlfriends, but they didn't have broad shoulders and hugs that made you melt. Or opened doors like your very own modern-day gentleman, or cook for you, and tell you stories of his youth. Or call you doux-doux or sunshine and never once disrespect you…
I know they mean well. I know that everyone means well. But the truth is that every waking moment (especially since you can't sleep) you think about that person, and if it's only good times, then that's all you're going to remember. The truth is that 'every' damn slow song that plays on the radio makes you tremble with tears, and the upbeat happy ones make you livid. The truth is that you're going to feel like dying every morning you wake up (5 minutes of rest) until one morning you realize that it is what it is, and you have no control over the situation. Then you accept it and slowly your heart heals; and you'd be so tired crying and feeling nauseated that you finally realize you need to sleep….
And people say you have a lesson to learn; and some people say you did nothing wrong and it's not your fault. And I think each instance is different. I think that sometimes you have nothing to learn, because loving somebody could never be a bad thing. That you sadly stumbled into this beauty quickly turned into hell because YOU had a lesson/s to teach THEM. And that you cannot force somebody to love you; you can pretend but if they don't love you, they'll 'mess up' or go away and leave you without closure. Or maybe you'd think of what I'd have been like to be gay; they didn't have such problems as bringing life into the world. Or maybe becoming a monk or nun; if nobody loves me at least my imaginary God will and I can lose myself in prayer and chores and wear long robes to ensure no human could bring me pain. Hmmm…maybe not such a bad idea; although being a cat lady might be the best fit because you could wear shorts on hot days and still have loads of cats give you love. You and the cat hair would be inseparable. Un-conditional love….Hmmm….
Really…life is up and down and down and up. Like a see-saw or swings in a child's playground. So you go UPPPPP… and you have a view of the clouds and the sky, and trees in the distance and you go DOWNNNNN…and you lose all that sense of euphoria and beautiful view, but children don't worry because they know that they'll be up again in no time. I think we have to look at life like this too. When you're down in the dumps and you feel worthless and disappointed and used and hurt and unattractive like you're 'just a friend'; believe it or not you will get up again.
With every disappointment it is really a blessing in disguise…you must believe that. We cannot see why this is happening right now; who knows what the future holds (hmmm…sounds all too familiar), we do not know what it holds, if you are due for an up, you can bet it's something really good! Because you are beautiful, wise, intelligent, and if you continue to do good, you will be rewarded for it….the universe guarantees it J Let go; and take care of yourself…it's time to heal. Now it's your time…just let it be…
If only the breeze could kiss me
Trees green as your eyes are
The river enveloping me like your hugs
If only the fragrance of the grass smelt like you
A taste so sumptuous
A love so pure
Then if I had all these things I wouldn't miss you…
I could live happily
Walking the earth
Hugging the trees
Drinking from the river
Not caring if the breeze chapped my lips
Because then I could live knowing you'd always be a part of me
As much as it mars me…I trust you universe, to always love me….
And I thank-you for loving me…
For without your love, I may as well be a character in a story that would never be written…
I put my trust in you – despite my gaping and bloodied wound.
– you are the magic; you are the prayer I'm saying…Dreams on Fire.
By: Jair Ananda Massiah