Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Little Bo-Peep

I love this feeling! Gosh! I wish I could bottle it up and sell it. I'd make a bloody fortune! Forget the fortune I wish I could just keep it to myself and take some when I needed it most. Shit! I'd carry it around in my 'tool-box' and when a job needed to be done, I'd just reach in there and voila, it'd be fixed like new! It's the same feeling I get when I'm on stage with my steel-orchestra, the lights come on, we bow; and I can see everybody and their mother in the stands. My parents on the sidelines, they're so proud, they're smiling, and everyone anticipates our performance! And when we do our thing; man, the crowd, how they sway, they jump, they dance, they scream and shout! We bring such joy to not only their faces, but their bodies, and their hearts! All of that, all that appreciation for our gift of music! To me, it's the best feeling in the world.

And how long I've ignored it; how long have I kept telling it to "GO AWAY"! I suppressed it, covered its mouth, blinded its eyes, and flooded its heart. Funny how people want to feel something in life, but they aren't exactly sure of what it is. And they use temporary pleasures like drugs, sex and alcohol. I've always known what it was, always felt it, but I never believed that I could make it take flight. Goodness! How much time I lost searching; but in essence I haven't lost any at all, because wherever you go, there you surely are!

I had a breakthrough tonight! Tonight in acting class; during our one break, I was feeling a bit low, and I wrote to myself: "It's hard for me…I see it when I close my eyes, but it seems out of reach….everybody seems so dazzling, so confident. Lord I want that too! Freedom to be everything I see when I close my eyes!" I wrote that to myself and I went back in for my next scene. I don't know if writing that stirred something inside of me, but I know that it's something I wanted to infiltrate into my system for quite some time. One of my acting mates said that my character 'scared her'. Anybody who knows me always says that I'm the sweetest person they know; but how great it felt to hear my classmate say I was the complete opposite. We all have these other sides of ourselves. I realized I didn't have to be Miss Little Bo-Peep! I hated the damn bonnet and apron so much anyway! I didn't have to listen to everything people were telling me to do, and how to do it. I could just be me, who I was supposed to be. More like, Wendy from Peter Pan, a good girl, who just wanted a mischievous boy to rap on my window and sprinkle fairy dust on me; introducing me to a whole new world!

Oh, how I'd been domesticated all these years; getting flogged in primary school if I uttered a word, punished for stupid things I didn't do. I was tired of people telling me I am too optimistic, and in the 'real' world, dreams don't come true. I was tired of people saying, this is how the world is, and having wants and desires is crazy because my life isn't going to be like I want it to be, and that it's okay; I just needed to accept it and move on. That I should just basically settle for less; and live a tragedy. Well guess what! I want more!!! And as Sade sang it, Is it a Crime!?

I'm not looking for no fluffy, white sheep! So all those heartless boys that tried to infringe upon my to-do list; hope you get the memo, but you're not on it! I don't want TO-DO you! So keep moving! All your bull-shit stories and off-key lyrics might as well be used as useless drift wood to light a fire! A fire of rubbish, because that's all you proved yourself to be! If you were real men, you would be man enough to speak the truth and communicate like able-adults and not pathetic asses! And the same goes to those round bellied, balding business men that want to wine and dine me and say they'll hook me up with an agent. We both know; the only thing they want to 'un-hook' is my bra, to satisfy their case of jungle fever! Don't promise me the moon and stars baby, because I see right through your little act! If you don't come good, then don't come at all; because I am no longer frittering away my precious time!

Because of all these cruel lies I've been fed my whole life, I didn't believe in me! Yeah, me! What do I want, how do I feel, and what story do I want to tell? I'm too quiet, I'm not pretty enough, not sexy enough, not white enough and that I'm an adopted child! Screw all of you! I don't have to blabber incessant nonsense if I don't want to, I am pretty, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, my mind-boggling joy that people don't understand why I smile so much, just so happens to be irresistibly sexy, and white people we all love so much, want to go tanning to have my brown, ageless complexion. And well, if I'm adopted; hah! Then all multi-racial children must be adopted too!

I have feelings just like everybody else! And I'm not saying I'm 'the shit', but I am somebody. We all are! Connected and seamless in a way; like many rivers flowing into one ocean, but each with our own reality, our own path. We all are capable of being our best person. The universe has abundance for all of us to enjoy. We are here for a reason, a purpose and we need to tap into that and achieve it. We all have different roles to play, different lessons to learn and specific desires/wants to help us on our way. Listen to that little voice screaming out! Muffle it no longer. Fulfill your needs. And boy, do I hope I'm not inspiring anyone to commit murders, rob banks or act like a complete vagabonds, but get closer to accomplishing your mission here on earth. Don't think you're not good enough. Believe in yourself, because nobody else will. The majority of us are so caught up in ourselves anyway, so if you don't, then who will? Be confident, because you're a glorious, beautiful gift, with so much to share, so much to give.

My current room-mate and hopefully my last room-mate till I take the plunge of marriage; has given me so many great gifts. Not those that cost money, but knowledge from his simplistic and humble soul. Nobody's perfect, not even me, and he never ceases to inspire me. I could never stay mad at him. He is a walking example that dreams come true. He was taunted his entire life, made fun of, and continuously disappointed by those closest to him (friends and family), because he had a dream they didn't believe in. They crushed and stomped on his dream, and he was surrounded by a pack of brutal hyenas, but he never gave up. He envisioned himself enjoying it, he volunteered his time and didn't complain even though he came so close at times but still didn't succeed. And you know what? He made it! He IS a flight attendant now for almost 5 years now. He's won awards, and he's been half-way around the world. He's found love in another country, and he's got more stamps in his passport than any of those people that laughed at him could ever dream of seeing in their lifetime. I'm happy for him. If he can do it…I know I can too!

Let your light shine! Lead the way, and arouse people to follow!

Sunday, February 21, 2010


By Jair Ananda Massiah


I saw but didn't see

I touched but couldn't feel

I smelled but had no breath

I lived with many regrets

It was all me

I smiled but didn't laugh

I spoke but couldn't sing

I walked but cared not to run

I sought when I had already won

It was all me

I argued at the top of my lungs

I pushed when I should have stayed

I wanted more and more

Insatiable pain

It was all me

And when I thought I'd reached my peak

My heart found voice to speak

The leaves so green and mountains agleam

It pumped bright red and said

It was all me

My eyes divine

My insides alive

The breeze so cold

Music to my soul

With or without

Out and about

Traffic of mind

Confusion of our time

For love is eternal

As sand is perennial

The sea meets the sky

Sonnets take flight

Sweet is the whisper

Desire a fire

You walk with yourself

And everyone else

It was all me

It was all me

It was all me



Never rejection

Amazing vibrations

It was all me


No mistake

As sung by the choir

The earthquakes admired

It was all me

And then I tasted

Flavor intense

For teardrops were bliss

Each ripple a kiss

It was all me

Of cheeks so ripe

Of darkness of night

Of dimple sunned juice

Of memories aloof

I within you

You within me

I finally believed

It was always…just ME.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Before Sunset

Before Sunset directed by Richard Linklater and brilliantly played by Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy was to me a grand triumph. I defintely think the acting is what made it all, and this film expertly shows the leaps and bounds of savvy, quick-witted and whimsical expression. I went on a ride around Paris in the summer time, and the landscape and architecture was all there, but none of it mattered, only the words spoken between the two characters.

The feelings portrayed similar to how I view life, the wants, the worry, the compulsiveness and life hysteria wrapped up in love. I began to think it was too much about them; but the deeper I got into it, the more I realized the caliber of what was being said and the choice to keep it simplistic. :))

It reminded me of my favourite film Amelie, in that it's purity is actually it's weightiness!

And here we are; a day for Christians' Lenten season. Today is Ash Wednesday. I like to challenge myself and surprise myself. For the next 40 days and 40 nights...

No carne, no leche, ninguna facebook, ninguna musica de soca, y definitivamente no muchachos!

That is my promise for now... ahhhh how fun it will be!
And now I must depart, I have a date with Antonio Vivaldi :))


The Frog & The Wig

A Random Story by: Jair Ananda Massiah

Dear children, gather round now, for your Aunt Jair has a lovely story for you! We've all heard of girls wanting to kiss frogs, hoping that one would turn into a handsome prince, and about frogs that wanted to kiss fair maidens, well... because they just like kissing soft lips :)

Well, I'm sure you haven't heard the story of the bald frog named Frankie. He was a regular frog, nothing extra-ordinary about him, except he had an odd spot on his right hind leg in shape of a bunny-rabbit. Yes, a bunny rabbit, with two long ears :) Anyhow, Frankie spent heaps of time on the lily's outside of Manor Chester, and there lived the most distinguished, most dazzling, most respected young people of that time. It was a home of etiquette, and everyone there wore the most elaborate wigs! :) All different shapes and sizes, different colours, different textures.

Frankie thought it was odd that they wished to wear these wigs, seeing they had hair an all; but nonetheless, he wanted to be as distinguished as they were. He longed that one day, someone should trip and drop one into his shallow pool, or better yet, just toss one out the window. But day in and day out, Frankie waited in vain.

It wasn't until one day, a small girl named Eugene came by, she was the younger sister of the owner of Manor Chester. She didn't wear wigs at all! Frankie splashed by her one day and caught her attention. She found the bunny rabbit spot on his leg was so darling and they became great friends :) Frankie expressed how much he yearned to be distinguished as the people in Manor Chester, and Eugene smiled sweetly at his wants. She promised she'd return with the most beautiful of wigs and leave it near the shallow pool before sunrise.

Frankie dreamt wonderfully that night, he was finally able to make his dream come true! Eugene came by, but Frankie wasn't there...she tucked the wig in a nearby brush and took off. She had to leave back to where she'd come from, and was sad she didn't get to say good-bye to her dear friend.

Many years later Eugene returned to that shallow pool and wondered about her childhood friend Frankie. She wondered if she'd imagined it all. Was it all in her head? Then from the distance stood a dashing young man, he wore a handsome outfit as well as a lovely hat. He approached her slowly and they got to talking. Apparently, he too had lost a friend at this same shallow pool.

He removed his hat...and startingly he was bald!

Eugene was so surprised, and because of her surprise told the young man her whole story. About Frankie, the bald frog, about how much he wanted a wig, everything. She blushed, thinking she must have seemed so silly; but the young man smiled, and took her hand. He said, "I am Frankie, Eugene, it is so wonderful to see you again!" Frankie told her that when she'd left that day, he realized how much more important her friendship was than a silly old wig; that he was distinguished already, he just didn't realize it. He was happy for her friendship and love, and that transformed him, the day he realized it.

Eugene began crying. She was crying for joy! For she was happy she didn't need to kiss this frog, to realize his true essence, true potential, true being. :) Eugene and Frankie eventually got married, and to this day, they return to the shallow pond on their anniversary. They've nicknamed it "Shadowy Lightning". For without darkness you could never see the light, and without desire and longing you could never realize your truth potential and worth! :)

Eugene and Frankie argued from time to time, and had 2 cute children, named Francesa and Eli. They lived for the most part, HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Fin ;)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

White Jesus

So last night at Improv class I performed with a 'new' girl, and while up there in front of our peers, I was taken aback by her statement, caught it, and still managed to turn it into a positive scene. Unfortunately her statement bothered me more than I'd hoped for. What was wrong with me? Why could it not slide off my back, like water did on a duck? I'd been raised better than that, and have been all my life, working on being the master of my emotions. I obviously still have heaps more work to do. I don't necessarily blame the girl, at the end, she shook my hand and they were quivering and sweaty. But even if she said sorry and it was her first time at Improv, it didn't truly make me believe it was her first time making comments like that.

We worked with horses in our scene, and what she said was that her amazing horse was named White Jesus. I smiled with wide eyes and told her mine was named Knight Rider and she in turn took it to the next level by saying that it was 'funny' that she was white with a white horse, that was soft, white and good. Sigh** still not rolling off my back; and even more so my mind. I have definitely been saying I wish to write a book in regards to my feelings on race but haven't gotten around to it as yet. At the moment I'm more focused on publishing my collection of poetry as well as my flight attendant travel story book. But since visiting Nepal last year, and also dating a few guys that made insensitive statments; I've been itching to write my thoughts on how situations like this make me feel, and not just me, but how they make everyone without alabaster skin feel. I already have a name, I suppose all I need to do now is dedicate some time towards it.

No-one would guess it; like they don't care to know about individuals' heritage either, and instead only judge them by the colour of their skin. But like Barack Obama, Billie Holiday, Bob Marley, Halle Berry, Naomi Campbell, Lenny Kravitz, Tyson Beckford, Sade, and Rashida Jones; I too come from mixed ancestry. In fact, many people from the Caribbean and the majority of my friends growing up there, are multi-racial too. Mine specifically happen to be African, Chinese and the Caucasian race. Yes, my grandmothers are white, and I just happened to be very close to them. My family is diverse, beautiful and everyone is lovely in their own way. Being of mixed race and growing up with not only different races within my family but also with my childhood friends, allowed me to embrace the differences, respect it and take pleasure in its unique beauty. I suppose I'm just tired of 'white lies' being okay and 'black Friday', 'black sheep' and 'hell' being negative, dark and bad. I'm tired of these silly statments made and engrained in us all from the beginning of time. Jesus was not white! I mean how many white Jesus' do you see walking around Los Angeles? Not to mention the man himself from Bethlehem that Christians speak of as being white! If you'd rather argue that in fact Jesus, Buddha and Mohammed are white, that's fine, but I just want to know why everything bad has to be black or completely disregarded?

My acting coach enlightened me the other day that the cover of the Vanity Fair last week was interesting, and I had the pleasure of skimming through it while waiting to board a plane this week. He was right; all the young women that they said were 'up & coming' the shining stars of our acting future were indeed white. Names like Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Kristen Stewart, and Emma Roberts were exemplified, and showcased on the cover. But I wondered about Zoe Saldana, Gabourney Sidibe, Mo'Nique, America Ferrera, Jennifer Hudson, Michelle Rodriguez, Devon Aoki, and Jessica Alba? Why weren't they on the cover as well? And whatever happened to Gabriel Union and Kerry Washington? Aren't they in enough movies to be considered 'up & coming' as well? I know that in the old days when there was black & white film, people of colour were usually care-takers, servants or maids, with little words said, and if so, usually nothing of importance. I know that in the 60's, 70's and 80's, there still weren't many roles offered in Hollywood in respect to lead roles or serious roles of pertinence offered to non-whites, but even today, I find that there is still a great struggle to have them rise above their customary comedic, athletic and illicit roles. Thank Goodnes for Tyler Perry, Denzel Washington and Wil Smith for making steps forward and making films of substance as opposed to being seen always as the criminal or rapist. I certainly respect Mr. Perry as a filmmaker, but I personally think he has made it, a 'blacks mostly' deal. I long to see more mixing, Blacks alongside Whites, Hispanics alongside Chinese etcetera; and this is where Caribbean film comes in. Yes; you may not have heard about it, but it is slowly becoming known; and I hope to be one of its pioneers.

It is only a dream now, but is in the works of becoming a reality. White Jesus may be chaste, soft, good and accepted but Knight Rider is sleek, strong, beautiful, and slowly will become recognized as something good. I was born with the same feelings, blood, organs & I will be a winner! :))

Avatar vs. The Hurt Locker

Here we have two singular movies, however equivalent in subject matter. Avatar written and directed by James Cameron, and The Hurt Locker directed by James Cameron's ex-wife Katherine Bigelow. I happened to see Avatar first, and I will admit like Mr. Cameron, I too am a tree-hugger and more of a peace-maker. Nevertheless, Ms. Bigelow was also nominated for Best Director at the Academies this year, which makes her the first female to be nominated as Best Director; being a female and future filmmaker myself, I had to see what she did. I find this whole swathe of events intriguing, not only the whole Director versus Director, War versus Peace, and Male Director versus Female Director, but also a battle of the exes! :)

So, I shan't go into detail, for those of you that haven't seen both films. But in essence Avatar was about a beautiful, peaceful African/blue civilization living in Paradise, but also on one of the largest diamond/stone fortunes to date, and about American soldiers wanting this treasure, badly enough to invade cleverly among them, gain their trust and respect, then pull the rug from underneath them. It took us on a 3D action-packed adventure as well as an emotional roller-coaster ride. In my opinion, I think they should win best everything! I'm sorry to all those people out there that didn't enjoy the film. But open up your minds and hearts and realize not only the amount of work put into this film, but the superb soundtrack and marvelous acting by Zoe Saldana and Sam Worthington. The message of what war brings with it, and that you shouldn't go sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.

The Hurt Locker was about the journey of a team of American soldiers working/fighting in Iraq. It was gritty, realistic, shaky yet crucial desert cinematography, subtle western music at certain points and great 'fly-on-eye' zoom in sequences. I don't usually enjoy watching war films, probably because I'm against it in the first place, but I must say I'm glad I watched it and can see why this film was nominated. The acting was phenomenal, with the insensitive and cruel language used by soldiers, like "I'll cut your head off, I'll kill you" and utter disrespect to the locals of the land. The cinematography by British camera-man, Barry Ackroyd was exquisite; with shots of kites in sky, limping cats, and split rear-view mirror eyes of pain. And the direction on such harsh and rough circumstances yet pulled off in excellence by a non-whining woman, with immense attention to detail like subtleties of Camel figurines, crosses and bloody, littered and deserted hallways, made me glad to see it.

Both films though, show how war ravishes a society/community. The unnecessary pain and suffering involved on both opposing sides and how crazy we the human race can be in what we will do after we're brainwashed into believing that we fight for our country, and not for our own selfish needs. Because it is not only about terrorism, because that goes both ways on both sides; we terrorize each other. On one side there are enormous bounds of greediness and the other side fanatical religious frustration and jealousy.

I think we should always remember the mid-way in life. Everything in moderation; be it food, drink, work, sex. Everything you do in life, do it in moderation. Do not let things be the master of you in this life, you be in control of yourself and the master of yourself. I am fortunate to be born in Trinidad & Tobago, small yet cosmopolitan islands with big hearts, allowing me to be not only tolerant, but knowledgeable and accepting of all the different peoples who settled there, to be well-traveled, allowing me to see how different people live but realize how similar we also are, and friendly enough to have friends from all walks of life. Through my own spiritual interest/belief/awareness that we all swim in different rivers to the same ocean , I have read most religious books, and although I do not consider myself religious since we humans tend to be hierarchical and judgmental. I have come to the conclusion that immense luxury, no matter how appealing it may be, is not only detrimental to our growth but also stifling our ability to learn different lessons and be well-rounded individuals.

There was a scene in The Hurt Locker that made me reminiscent of why I detest shopping. Jeremy Renner's character had finally returned to the United States and was grocery shopping with his family. He stood dumbfounded in an aisle of cereal. Although cereal, swimsuits and film may be the only aisles I would prefer standing in if I happened to like shopping; this scene just reminded me of the opposite of simplicity and moderation. When SSG William James had to dis-enable bombs in Iraq, there were different coloured wires he had to cut. I think that in life, there is no need for un-necessary abundance of too many things, but enough of everything. I believe there is abundance for all of us to enjoy. There is a saying that my father once told me that goes: It is harder for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. And I think he is in fact quite right, because one surrounded with immense luxury, believes that they are the most powerful beings, and crave for some reason more and more no matter the cost; no matter the lives involved. We see that in the film Avatar, when the soldiers only carry out instructions and destroy everything because the BIG man wanted more jewels.

A couple months ago; I recall flying from the East Coast to the West Coast, working in economy class and an American soldier took to speaking with me. My other flight mates sneered and said he was strange, but I decided to entertain him and find out more about his life. He was flying home from war for his grandmother's funeral, apparently she had raised him. He said very matter-of-factly and didn't show a trace of sadness, it was his only family and after he buried her, he would return back to Iraq for war. I offered my condolences and even told him, I'd hoped he would be able to finish his job in the middle-east soon. He surprised me when he said he wanted to return, he would make more money, and that being there was very habitual; bombs at night were the usual. I told him that it sounded quite dangerous; he laughed at me and said, "Well we live two different lives…" He was only 22. And even though in both films we see American soldiers at war, ravishing the land, and treating others unjustly, we know the flip-side of religious fanatics retaliating in fear and frustration as well. We are all one human race, whether we want to admit it or not, and have the same wants, hopes, fears and dreams. We are all capable of being the devil and angels if the right buttons are pushed. So be in control of those buttons; remember that we are ultimately all on the same side. This land belongs to us, all of us, that's how it was always meant to be :)

Friday, February 12, 2010

500 Days of Summer

What a delightful film! My passengers and flight mates alike raved about how much they enjoyed it. Even a pilot from another airline pass-riding on my flight back from Europe expressed how wonderful it was. I looked at him in disbelief, as I caught silent glimpses of it, while serving coffee, orange juice and cocktails. How could a guy enjoy a 'chick-flick'? Hmmm....maybe it wasn't a 'chick-flick'; now I was even more intrigued to see it! I must admit I'd had a MASSIVE crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt when I was a small girl, I don't know exactly what it was about him, but I think it must have been his gentle eyes. Eyes usually are my first attraction. They say it's the window to the soul. :) I thought it'd be nice to see it, since I hadn't seen Joseph acting for a while.

The pilot was quite an egotistical fellow, rambling about how perfect his girlfriend was. He was about 40, tall, dark hair, and showed one of my flightmate's and I, a gazillion photos and video on his I Phone of his girlfriend. She looked about 23, from Eastern Europe, blonde, petit, and bubbly. Her aim was to move to New York, sad but true, he didn't seem to realize it yet, but he was her ticket there. He spoke wildly about how in love they were and that their love was just like the 500 Days of Summer. He said he'd be with her and other men would approach her all the time. He loved that! Strange I thought, but as narcissitic as he was, I understood clearly his exceeding pleasure.

So here I am, 3 months later, in the comfort of my cold box of a room, I bundle with my numerous blankets and pop the film into my laptop DVD player. Did they write this movie for me? Goodness! The similarities were uncanny! I suppose many people could say they've been in similar situations. But why did the names match, the situations, and the outcomes, all the same in my life? Sheesh! :( Yes; I cried alright. Tom didn't deserve that, I didn't deserve that. Joseph's character was rather lovely. Sweet Thomas; you are the winter stagecoach that journeys on the icy depths of my withering heart. Dear Tom, I would love you in my life. You could be the architect of my happiness; you just have to give me a chance; get to know me a bit better. We can be great friends, I guarantee it! And maybe even something more! :) There were many moments in the film that were heart-wrenching for me, because I'd been in similar agonizing instances; but it wasn't till the very end of the film that my salty tears met my onion breath. Yes, the past few days, I'd racked up my 'bad diet' points by ingesting bars of chocolate and greasy cheese-burgers with extra onions. It's Valentine's Day in 2 days, what can I say, my Volkswagen dealership is the only one that sends me Valentine's Day cards! Happy Single Awareness and bring on the damn chocolate! Milk chocolate please! :)

I found the story line to be extremely irresitable, delicate and sweet. I appreciated how they used art and drawing simultaneously throughout, with the little blue bird that was perched on Tom's finger. When Tom walked out onto the street, and his world crumbled into a pencil drawing and then disappearing altogether, by being erased and dull, just like a drawing on a paper that's been erased too many times. Perhaps signifying the amount of times you're let down in love. I enjoyed the simplicity of the film, and that it wasn't your typical love-story; or typical story at all for that matter. That a woman (his mother) found love at 49, and his sister no older than about 12, knew more about philosophy and Nietchze than most adults would ever care to know about. Life doesn't make much sense...

Or does it?

The more one tries to figure things out, the fewer things seem to make sense. The world is fast-paced and de-sensitized, people talk fast, think fast and no longer have time to read or smell the roses or far less stop to smell the pages of books. They lock their elderly in homes because they have no time for them, and their children fend for themselves and are exposed to everything adults are, making them callous and sharp like thorns. And Love. Love is a word people misuse and abuse tremendously, because no one truly knows the meaning of love anymore.

I began to grasp that it didn't matter what age you were in this world. We were all on a journey, taking different paths, and having different experiences to learn different lessons. We are ever-changing; we are constantly evolving into different facets of ourselves. So yes, an 18 or 21 year old could say they know what love is all about. It could happen in a week, a month, or a day. But I wonder sometimes; how can you trust your heart, if for some it's the first time they're using it? I realize now looking back, that when I was first in love, I was only giving my heart a test-drive. I turned it on, got the blood pumping and churning right, but I still needed more fuel, the right fuel. The right fuel; true love I suppose. My heart knew what love was, but was it the right oil/fuel for my heart, for me? I'd have to try many others to see what love felt like, to see what true love is.

And by that last sentence, I suppose it's alright to say, Life does make sense, and is very fair. Created in such exquisiteness and flawlessness. So what if it hurt? What if you don't understand it? We humans love to learn in error; we destroy everything to build it up again, but I fear, maybe one day, it'll be a little too late ....

So my sister says to call him; but I can't bring myself to do it; at least not yet. What have I got to lose you say? Well, nothing I suppose, I quite relish heart-ache! Heart-ache and onion breath! Mmmm...the perfect combination! And that of course, I tell an enormous fib; but suppose Tom is indeed right? Suppose it just happens, and it just hits you. Love happens and he finally picks up the phone and calls me.... :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

On Friendship

So, what does friendship mean to you?
Just curious, you know, I'm sure you've all got 'friends' out there...

I'm not talking about your *uck buddies or your pets, I mean, people you don't sleep with, or pet for that matter. Or people that tell you one thing but mean the other, or stand you up, or leave you high and dry when you need them the most. Or ones who 'use' you and 'abuse' you, and can't fully understand why you no longer want to be 'friends' with them.

I mean people you have conversations with, about life, about death, someone you can talk to when you have a stressful day, someone you like visiting the cinema with. Someone that doesn't judge you, no matter what. They've always got your back, and you'll always have theirs. And someone who no matter how 'busy' they are, could take a few minutes out of their day to say, "I love you...I miss're such a wonderful friend". Or maybe just simply send something inspiring or sweet to say, I remember're in my thoughts.

Do you have friends like that?
True friends?
Friends till the end?
Friends that'll tell you truth about yourself -- even if it hurts...

Hmmm....I can count my friends on my hands.
Got a whole heap on facebook, but that's a whole different ball-game, now isn't it? - hahah

Anyway, here are some sentiments by one of my favourite authors -- Kahlil Gibran

This comes from his book The Prophet & this one is entitled: On Friendship

And the youth said, Speak to us of Friendship.
And he answered, saying:
Your friend is your needs answered.
His is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the "ay".
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born
and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain
to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love
but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide,
let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter,
and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

**Sigh -- Lovely isn't it?
Poignant and truthful... To have a friend like that.
Someone always true, someone that will cry with you, and laugh with you...
Someone to share secrets with and grow with. Ah, a friend for life would be nice! :))


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas


Just finished watching The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Goodness!
What a heart-wrenching and gripping tale :((

31 views and no comments -- hasn't anyone got something to say about my blog?

What am I writing for really??? Isn't my content thrilling enough, thought-provoking enough?Or am I just writing for no one's fancy? Writing scripts, stories, poetry, in my Diary, and now this. Maybe I should cross this one off the list?

But to write is what I live for......
I write for me.


Land of the Free

I've always scoffed at the term 'Land of the Free'; because I've always thought the exact opposite, in terms of America. Land of bills to pay, Land of tickets from policemen for making a wrong turn, Land of un-necessary taxes, Land of too many damn rules, if you ask me! To me, these people weren't free at all. They couldn't drink on the beach, or cross the street whenever they wanted. They couldn't yell in a bank or make jokes about bombs on airplanes. They couldn't walk around in swim-suits and dive off cliffs, or walk on grass or dance suggestively in the streets! Not only were these people not free in my eyes, but they were also a little bit paranoid. But who's perfect? If they thought they were free, then by George let them think that way.

But yesterday, funnily enough, I came to a realization that yes, even though these people were in fact living under paranoid rules, the fact of the matter was, that they were indeed free. That was it, they really thought that way. It was all in the mind! Let me explain…

You see, this epiphany came in I suppose not the strangest of places, but in acting class… My classmates were excellent. They were loose, they were loud, they were lewd, they used foul language, they laughed out loud, and they were, in few words, very, very free! This was why there were so many rules here, because Americans had the freedom to be who they wanted to be with their beings. Who cared if people thought they were nuts, they were wild, that was just it, they don't care about what people think of them. And so, to keep dreadful accidents from happening, due to all this extreme freedom, the law makers and forefathers of their country had to put some rules in place.

I sadly however, was quite the opposite. I am not American. I sit with my legs crossed, and say please thank-you, excuse-me and sorry. I flinch when people use the 'F' word too frequently, I speak softly and think about the words I'd use, and I would never, ever, ever, dare to speak out of turn or too much. I have so much control. So much training, so much etiquette; I was a ballerina, spinning in a world of hip-hop. And this is why other countries and my country had fewer rules. The people in charge didn't very well expect us to attempt to jump off buildings or abuse alcohol on the beach; for my people were passive. We happily followed the rules and cared about the repercussions of what would happen if we didn't follow the rules. Yes, we were all domesticated animals, a gentler kind of race. And well Americans; they were animals, animals that actually roamed free.

So I stand corrected. It truly is the land of the free and home of the brave. Because no matter how many stupid rules there are here, these people are free of mind and soul, and they truly express themselves however they see fit.

God Bless America!

Yes, it would be harder than I thought to un-learn everything I've learnt, to turn myself on and off, so many years of chewing with my mouth closed, and caring about others feelings. But if I wanted to be a successful actor, I needed to re-incarnate myself as many times, and the only way I could do that, is to be free. Free like an animal, running wild, naked, and uninhibited. I needed to be like an old lady, tired, worn-out, and sitting with her legs open.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


So, there you have it -- only 2 days ago; I had my first 'breakdown' for the New Year, and its only the 6th of February! Pretty pathetic isn't it? I wasn't busted for LSD usage, didn't file for bankruptcy and pretty sure I wasn't abducted by aliens, but in my world, things weren't so stable anymore. You see, I've been pretty good at following the Secret and visualizing my goals and aspirations, using the 4 agreements and crossing things off my 2010 resolution list, but 2 days ago I found myself huddled in my box of a cold room eating mighty delicious chocolate and crying my eyes out to Evanesance.

Music and Film always save me, so a few hours later, after prancing in my room to Indian & Arabian music, I mustered up the courage to return telephone calls and txt messages. Didn't feel like writing, so decided to watch some good movies. I watched The Invention of Lying quite a heart-warming tale, with pockets of humor, by the charming Ricky Gervais, adorable Jennifer Garner, bubbly Jonah Hill, and the un-stoppable Tina Fey, it surely gave me a good laugh.

Next up I watched Moon a delightful sci-fi Independant film by British filmmaker Duncan Jones. It was his first film and what a thrilling ride it was!Quite thought-provoking and marvelous acting by Sam Rockwell. I thought it was well constructed and thought through, and it kept getting more and more interesting. I actually didn't want it to end. I'm puzzled though by the re-appearing image of the lady in yellow. They never did address that...Hmmm...The soundtrack as well, quite subtle but alluring in every sense, just what this type of a film needed.

Last but certainly not least I watched the highly acclaimed and dare I say most talked about film nominated for the Spirit Award in the Academys, Precious. This was a 'real' movie, and when I say that, there was such a strong reality in it, it was almost at times frightening. Some said the film was depressing, however to me, there were just the right amount of balance to stomach the tragedies, with bits of comedy and Clarice's/Precious' dream sequences. Tremendous acting, and many guest appearances by Lenny Kravitz, Mariah Carey, Sherri Shephard and Mo'Nique. I really enjoyed the amateur camera techniques they used, because it made the audience feel as though they were there, and that they could relate more to what was taking place. I actually enjoyed quite much the acting of the 'Jamaican' student. She was refreshing, I really think there should be more Caribbean actors and actresses getting parts in Hollywood...maybe a Trini...maybe me!? hahah :)) I thought it was all-in-all a wonderfully shocking story of strength, determination and inspiration to keep pushing forward, no matter the circumstance.

After seeing films like these I realize that my life isn't that dreadful. I know it isn't, but it is still 'my reality' and I will always yearn to continue succeeding and striving for excellence. My father once told me, life is like a traffic jam, you look ahead, and there is a long line of cars ahead of you, and you look behind or in the rear view mirror and you see a long line of cars behind you as well. The Desiderata says that there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. I suppose even if I am disheartened or disappointed with events, that it is really all about timing. Not so much always, being in the right place at the right time, but also maybe, alignment. When it is my time for success. I just need to enjoy and prepare the best I can for when it is time for this flower to bloom. I do wish though at these times I could have a warm hug...

My parents say return home; but I know that's the easy way out. I know they worry for me, but it's so easy there...I don't want to just take over their success, I want to make my own. Yes sure, at home, it's the perfect weather, lovely beaches, laid-back life, no worries for money, no worry for food. I suppose I should toughen up even more...this sacrifice is for a reason. Millions of miles away from family, my late nights writing, reading and critiquing/analyzing films, my constant interviewing, and attending my sleu of classes must be good for something. I wait...patiently...for my time to shine in the sun.

In the mean time -- Turn up the music!
I feel like dancing!!! :))

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Faith & Hope

I have 2 years prior experience with hospice care; and so excited to start it up again here in Los Angeles. The company that I'm going to work for is called Faith & Hope Hospice. Doing the training sessions again and they've already paired me up with a little old lady whose 84 years old. :))

Can't wait to meet her!

Also can't wait to bring light and life into somebody's life and maybe heal them, or let them go peacefully to the next level. Death bothers many people, but it's a part of life. We are born and then every day we get closer to leaving.

Somewhat morbid; but what miracles we are! To be born into this world, fighting off all the other sperms, to reach that egg; to be born and to have worldly experiences. To gain knowlege. :))
You know; knowledge is the only thing you cannot steal in this world. You cannot steal it; you can only continue to grow!

Sure we have medication for pain; but there is no medication for the pain of the heart. This is my main goal I hope to achieve with my new friends/patients. But I have to remember that I have no right to give something I do not own. In other words; if I don't love myself, how can I show them love. I have to remember to keep loving myself, and then I'll be able to spread it more!

So excited! Loooove old people :))


Monday, February 1, 2010

The Truth

Yes, the truth.
A lot of people cannot handle it.
It hurts, it stings, it sometimes makes people feel badly.
But it's something everybody needs to hear. When I speak the truth, I lose people. But people are people, they're found everywhere. Friends, they come and they go...& if they don't stand by you, or disappear after you speak your heart, then they weren't meant to be with you in the first place. You meet people and you learn from them, and sometimes guess what? - you learn nothing; but they learn something from you. I hope when I leave this life, people are able to learn from me. I can't say I enjoy the pain, but I'm so grateful for each experience, my eyes are so joyous to learn again, and hopefully accept and keep climbing onward!

I love music; it inspires me.
Can't sing to save my life -- unless it's Calypso, I got that! -hahah

But on a serious note, music is what inspires me to write, to become a better person. To remember to be compassionate, and forgiving ecetera. Being born in the Caribbean I was given a certain outlook on life. Different from Americans, Europeans, Africans, Middle-Easterns ecetera, and so when I want to feel something from my roots; a love; an understanding I listen to Caribbean music. Right now listening to Vybz Kartel's Life we Living a beautiful song. Sad but the lyrics so beautiful, and what he is doing, the message he is passing along, even though he isn't a Beyonce or Taylor Swift, he is healing people and inspiring positive change. He is speaking the Truth!

Lastnight I was flying; it's what I do, and while on the ground in Chicago, I got some glimpses of the American Grammys. Glitz and Glam, how exciting! I would like to go to one of those shows one day... A flight attendant in the lounge said, "Look at Taylor Swift, her father is rich, and bought her a record deal and now she's famous!" I smiled and added with my odd sense of humor... "Well, she's blonde, it's a proven fact, they have more fun!" We laughed. Leaving the lounge and getting ready to board another plane, another flight mate said to me.

"You know, they should just close down Haiti and ship the people to other countries ... I mean America is already adopting so many of those children!"
My heart ache.
Not just because I am Caribbean.
But because I know the 'real' story....the True story. Sigh**
I walk those lands, I know these people, they are my people, my beautiful Caribbean people...

Ohhh America, how lucky you are. Blessed in a way, that your people can act so arrogant and uncaring. And don't think I forgot the media splash of celebrities singing and calling to save Haiti. That is very admirable...seeing that Haiti has been 'suffering' since I was a small girl growing up in the West-Indies. Haiti was the 'first' Caribbean island to be independant, and the first to fall...It seems like all great countries fall. Rome did, Egypt did, all these empires...and so did Haiti. I want to know....why is it that America is taking such an interest in Haiti now? When all these years gone by, they have turned away the Haitan refugees? Why now?

It takes a catastrophe and so many dead, to say, let's do something good...why not do it all the time? Africa is still suffering, India is still suffering & believe it or not - America is suffering too. I lived for a year in Washington DC, the capital, and there were soooo many vagrants on the streets. I know there are wonderful organizations out there, and volunteers out there of all race and nationalities that are making positive change. I myself enjoy doing Hospice work; but the celebrities, and media coverage over Haiti, why can't we see more of this on a day to day basis?

Don't get me wrong.
I have love for America, it is a great land.
It's some of the people and the political system I worry about...

I reside here and am grateful to learn new point of views and enjoy certain conveniances that other countries may not have the opportunity to enjoy, but it doesn't end there. Living in an aesthetic and superficial world is not all there is; and to do so with no care for your fellow man; you might as well keep it! I thankfully didn't grow up in a ghetto of the Caribbean. I grew up in a place most people like to come visit for holiday. Lovely weather, tranquility, and for the most part a slow pace. Stress-free! I give thanks for that everyday. I come from a paradise, but there are parts of my land, my paradise, my Caribbean islands, that need so much help.
It's sad to see how we humans can be so heartless towards one another.
Yes, I am a Caribbean woman, this is what I know, but I am also a human being. A being of the world; and being a world traveller, I have learnt that we all have the same wants and fears. We all want to be loved and respected, and we are all part of one human race. We need to have more 'love' in our hearts and less gluttony, hate and lust for power....

Blessings for my Caribbean People.
Blessings for my Human Race.
With success -- my aim is to help you!